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Feb 11
2010
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Who Gives a Shower...and Who Doesn't?Posted by sandra in Social Navigation, Showers, Bride, Baby   |
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Here’s a lady with good intentions, but are they appropriate for the circumstances?
She is also anxious. She has a dilemma. And, she’s not alone. Many people wonder about who should properly give a shower.
Ann’s (not her real name) youngest daughter will soon be married, yet thus far no one has offered to host a bridal shower. In addition, her son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first child soon and a baby shower for them would be a welcome blessing plus an opportunity for friends and family to see the baby.
Because Ann is a loving parent, outgoing and generous, she thinks she might give a bridal shower for her daughter in May, then also host a baby shower in July for her son and daughter-in-law after the baby’s arrival. She wonders if this is socially correct. She wonders if it will seem like she’s asking for gifts for her children. She’s worried about hosting two showers and a wedding within a few months of each other. Should she host the showers or not? And, if so, so close together?
The central question is “should she, the mother, host the showers”? The simple answer is “NO”, which also puts the other questions to rest. Every etiquette expert agrees that close relatives do not give showers for their children and if they do, some say bluntly “it’s in bad taste”...a social boo-boo that imposes financial expectations upon friends plus overrides the preogative of other people to give a shower. This means that mothers, dads, sisters, brothers, grandmothers and mother-in-laws do not ordinarily host showers for close kin.
Many etiquette authorities also note that the number of showers for the same person and occasion, be few, no more than two (rarely three) out of courtesy to busy schedules and guests’ wallets. Showers are one event when presents are mandatory. The customary purpose of showers is to bless first time parents and brides (& grooms) with items for their new roles as spouses or parents. The very term “showers” denotes to “shower with gifts”. Typically showers are intimate smaller gatherings with friends and relatives as guests. There’s nothing wrong, however, with inviting a larger number of guests, if time and circumstances permit. It’s a perfect time for friends to express their affection and good will by giving something that helps a couple get started in their new roles.
Presumption is always risky. If Ann steps in, she presumes to take the place of someone else who should properly give a shower. She appears to “use” her friends and that’s likely not her intention. That’s why thoughtful people never presume to ask –or require—gifts from their friends nor create this type of awkward obligatory situation for their family’s own gain. Protocol avoids such scenarios.
While this answer eliminates the remainder of Ann’s questions as the hostess, here are a few suggestions and other information about who should give a shower and how she can be involved. This should prove helpful for other dear PM friends in similar circumstances. I appreciate the inquiry into what’s best and right in these instances. She, like many of us, has learned that it’s better to look before you leap. And, in social situations that involve other people and important events, this means we take a preliminary look at etiquette’s rules of conduct... A welcome safety net for all involved.
Now, if parents and immediate relatives aren’t the proper people to give a shower, who should host it? The answer’s simple and logical: Ideally, a good friend(s) of the couple, or an aunt, or cousins may host bridal or baby showers. Bridesmaids (if not sisters) can also host a “wedding” shower. Often bridesmaids give lingerie or a kitchen shower. Recently, I stepped forward to give a shower for a bride-to-be because I am well acquainted with both her and the groom’s family. We are all friends. It seemed like a natural thing to do. It would have been inappropriate for the bride’s mom or grandmother to give such a party. My offered came early on so the bride and her mom could fit this into their plans without worry. This summer my husband and I attended a delightful couple’s shower (both the future bride and groom were guests of honor) co-hosted by several of their family’s friends. Practical and fun gifts for both the bride and groom were requested, along with advice from the wives and husbands attending. Very fun! An amazing variety of helpful inexpensive gifts were presented...and the advice was priceless! For these two showers, because we, the close friends, were not immediate relatives, we were the ideal people to serve as hosts.
Now, about Ann’s concern that no one has stepped forward for a party. Its still early, but rather than her hosting a shower, she should visit with her daughter’s “unrelated” bridesmaids who may not realize that one of them can give a bridal shower, especially when other friends are unable to step forward. She may also tactfully hint to a close friend, aunt, or cousin (without asking) that’s she hoping someone will honor her son and daughter-in-law with a baby shower. In both cases, Ann can offer behind the scenes help, but should discreetly remain out the hostess role. All decisions as to the type of shower and its specifics come at the discretion of those hosting the event. Of course, Ann and her daughter offer selected names for the guest list, but she should not issue invitations.
Ann’s concern about a shower to “present the new baby” is genuinely caring and understandable. If Ann removes the word “shower” from her invitation, she removes the obligation of mandatory gifts. She simply gives a party for her children and baby as the guests of honor without putting herself in a bad light as a person eagerly seeking “booty” for her family. Her friends will appreciate her discretion.
The standard etiquette for showers insure that such occasions remain times of blessing without additional stress for close family who are often very busy with other necessary duties. It’s also what friendship and community is all about—supporting those we care about in respectful ways without presumption or imposition. As always, protocol matters.
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written by anna , February 19, 2010
written by Protocol Matters , February 24, 2010
You grasp the importance of "greater reasons". They exist and are one of my motivations for sharing and "holding fast" to the right and true in good manners and in the best ways possible. Yes, I'll share a few of my thoughts.
The commands to "love our "neighbors" plays out in myriads of ways--some big, some small. Many of us have our hands full tackling the little stuff, but its these small things in life that often turn out to be stumbling blocks, both for ourselves and others; the importance of staying on the true paths is huge. It also has major impact on our sanctification progress. More of Him, less of "ME".
Much in our etiquette embraces these presuppositions that I just mentioned, thus protocol is sometimes called "love in the trifles". Considerate actions lessen the likelihood of our use or abuse of others. The basic Christian rule of respect (as reflected in many social codes) decreases the potential for offense, frustration, and disorder in a civil society. Ever been around bullies? Or someone who always says the wrong thing?Boasts? Or constantly complains and is gossipy? Many have simply never been taught or learned how to demonstrate respect for others. Very crucial stuff.
In most regards, I agree that we don't simpy practice good manners for society alone nor march to a lost drummer's beat. The Christian's development and use of right etiquette has potential to replace self centered impluses with excellent character forming habits. The demanding "old man" learns new better ways. This effectively aids society and culture as well as families. Salt and light have purpose, so do right social actions, including who gives showers.
Christians are called to high standards with a purpose in ordinary daily lives, which, in time, by His grace and Spirit, trains and molds our souls in right directions. I am very aware of this necessity in my life as is any serious believer.
Choosing civility matters. It helps everyone in an age that struggles to hold onto respectful precepts and the love of neighbor without neutralizing goodness like a bowl of undesirable sloppy cold mush where nothing is defined or matters.
So we come to the question of close family giving showers. Judith Martin of Miss Manners fame in Washington D.C. refers to this as a form of "panhandling". She's right. It’s a hand out. It's also putting self before others. Another expert says its better for the immediate family to spend their money on what's necessary for the honoree, rather than rudely giving a shower, which places their friends in an uncomfortable and awkward situation.
This helps us understand why its basically wrong and most major etiquette advisors agree on this. It smacks of self-serving interests whenever an immediate family member is involved in giving a shower or in any way hosts, or appears to host,the event by holding it in their home as if they are an innocent by-stander. (There are very few exceptions to this rule). In addition, there's an undercurrent of prideful boasting, even when this is not the intention. As we see here, the practice to love our neighbor has many facets; some of them quite subtle; (not all that seems good means that everyone is called to perform the good, as in the case of showers), but brotherly love is always considerate and never puffed up. It avoids placing friends in uncomfortable positons or taking the limelight for self. This is why close relations wisely refrain from involvment in giving showers for their children or siblings. Its incorrect,not because society frowns on the practice (although many do without knowing why), but because it presumptously imposes upon and uses friendship. It obligates guests to "pay their way" with gifts and also because, at a deeper level, its an attention getting boastful action that demands recognition of one's relatives even when that's not the conscious motive.
Some people without vision, hope or purpose often don't care about rules of these types of situations. They want what they want, without restrictions, but others know (or learn)that underlying precepts matter. Showers are fun celebrations so it's easy to miss the reasons behind this protocol. Long established etiquette, however, discerns these things in an objective way. This is valuable,especially, when the reasons behind certain protocols aren't fully realized. In this regard, if I'm invited to a shower hosted by someone's immediate family, I assume its an honest and well meant gesture. We mustn't look down on them for their action, but I do have concern that their discretion falls short and hurts in the long term scheme of things. We have all been adrift at times in various ways.We are growing in grace and knowledge as we seek HIs direction in how to live. Thank you for your very good question and the opportunity to discuss it further.~Sandra
written by Barbara , February 26, 2010
Couldn't we just as reasonably put a different construct on the thing, and say that a close family member throwing a shower is behaving sacrificially? In lovely Christian communities like my own, baby and wedding showers are basically a "given." You aren't going to get away with producing a baby and NOT have a shower! They just won't let you. So--my view--if a family member takes on the necessary work and expense of throwing that shower, she is simply demonstrating her willingness to step up and shoulder part of a (pleasant) burden on behalf of her nearest and dearest.
Second question is this. Especially in this Christian context so many of us enjoy, why draw a distinction between those who are mine by blood and those who are mine in Christ? None of the directives we get from Scripture seem to tend in that direction, but rather toward the breaking down of all those walls of separation. I can see why it is traditional to think of throwing a family shower as panhandling; what I can't see is why we should continue that tradition.
We've had some good discussion over on Femina about who gives the shower. One good question has come up that I'd like to pass on to you. If the parents throw the wedding, and the guests know they are expected to bring a gift; and if family members throw birthday parties, and the guests don't flinch at the thought of bringing a gift; then why can't a family member throw a baby shower in the same spirit? I realize you did not invent these rules of etiquette yourself, so we are not expecting you to overthrow them for us either. But we'd love to hear your thinking on these things. Thanks for the interaction.
Blessings,
Nancy
written by pentamom , February 27, 2010
written by Mary Katherine , March 02, 2010
Your observation of wise social codes and good manners will serve you well. I'm glad you care about protocol matters.
Most of us desire to live in ways that help us better love our neighbors. Our heritage includes wise hand-me-downs from previous faithful generations. Recognized forms of etiquette help us along the way. As one friend recently said, “like sign posts”. In this discussion it reads “friends, not close family give showers”. Immediate family members doing so has a different spirit –or undertone--to it than when friends do the bestowing of honor. Anne rightly sensed this in her situation, thus her question and discomfort.
Eichler’old etiquette book, written earlier last century, when dowries and hope chests were common, traces the roots of established shower giving “to a good many years ago” when a friend decided to express her love and good wishes with a humble, but useful, wedding gift presented beforehand among a gathering of other mutual friends whose gifts were also humble. (Thus the tradition of small useful gifts for showers). In the same way, baby showers provide additional love, assistance, and support for new parents and infant from friends rather than from close relatives, whose support already normally exists. It’s the friends place to bestow honor in these situations, and not the family’s to initiate preference, nor to impose or even expect such things. If you really think this matter through, in the long run, it’s best to pay attention to this well established sign post.
Remember that parents generally love their children. A lot! In many ways family members are an extension and representation of one another. Inherent favoritism and strong ties abound. Everyone knows this. If close family give the shower, the silent message of self-serving favoritism and preference resounds strongly, intended or not. Claire considered this in her thoughtful comments. She wondered about walls of separation coming down. Precisely. Only it’s the other way around and our social codes say avoid showing overt favoritism and preference to family members at the expense of others.
Bottom line; let’s tread lightly before ignoring or changing well principled cultural conventions without good reasons. Thank you again for your questions and comments.
Treading the path of good manners with you and glad for the many opportunities in protocol matters given to us, Sandra
